The Inspiration I Needed

In 2019 I attended my first Technology & Curriculum Conference of Aldine better known as TCCA. TCCA is a yearly edtech conference that offers sessions to educators all across the country (mostly Texas) to learn how to implement technology and ideas into the classroom. Did I mention that it is totally free? I was excited about attending because I had a huge passion for technology and finding ways to use it in my classroom. But what I wasn’t prepared for that day was how much of a life changing moment I would have while attending the conference. In the Fall of 2019 I was going through a very rough time. To other people, it wouldn’t have seemed like that was possible. I had just married my beautiful wife, Jenny the previous March, I was awarded Teacher of the Year at my campus. To anyone that would seem like a great year. But something just wasn’t sitting right with me. I began feeling overwhelmed with being a teacher. No matter how hard I tried, and how much time I put into work, it just didn’t seem to be enough for me or my students. I began having this feeling that I have never had before. I began having feelings of being worthless, not good enough, and being a failure. A lot of things contributed to this, but what mostly contributed to it was my students' performance. Even with me working well past 7pm on school nights, was my effort just not enough? I sat in meetings where there were things and progress that I was proud of only for the focus to be on what was still going wrong. If I felt this way, imagine how some of my students felt. I would shed tears on the way home from work because I wanted so badly for my students to do well. Then I began to question myself, am I really a good teacher? Do I deserve a plaque that says I am the Teacher of the Year? Shouldn’t the award have gone to somebody that has exceptional test scores and student performance? These were some of the questions that would frequently come up in my head even as I was teaching with a dry erase marker in my hand. I had no idea how I could fix these feelings I had. At my campus I am considered the person who you can count on to make others feel better. I could make others laugh and take their mind off of their worries at least temporarily. But the biggest problem I had was that I had no way of figuring out how to do that for myself. I didn’t want to talk about my problems because I was scared to share how I felt and it didn’t seem like a “Patrick” thing to do. How was I supposed to get myself out of this hole, if I couldn’t open up about how I’m feeling?

On a Fall Saturday morning in October, I made my way to Davis High School in Aldine ISD. I had planned to skip the keynote session at TCCA because I was interested in the sessions more so than hearing someone talk. However, my wife can attest to the fact that I like being early everywhere I go. I arrived at TCCA early and decided, why not, I should go see the keynote if I’m early. There were no seats in the back of the auditorium and the only availability was the front row. I walked myself down there and sat in the first row nearest to the middle aisle. The next thing I know, a man who says he is principal walks on stage. He is Hamish Brewer, a principal from Virginia. However, he didn’t look like your average principal. He wore a black short sleeved buttoned shirt, black pants, black Converse, a fitted black baseball cap and tattoos. He looked more like someone you’d see hanging out at a sports bar than a principal. I was quick to judge, but soon this man won me over. He went on to speak about his middle school, about how he got his staff and students to buy into the fact their worth is much more than what shows up on a test score. He had stories of students who have been brushed off by every teacher they have ever met and that all they needed was someone to have an ounce of belief in them to make a difference. He mentioned that if the first thing you’re worried about is a number next to a student's name, why are you a teacher? Of course grades and test scores are how we evaluate students, but what never shows up on data sheet is who didn’t have breakfast that day, who didn’t get enough sleep because they don’t have their own bed, and the most heartbreaking of all… who didn’t hear “I love you” when they left for school. Even as I type this, I still get teary eyed because I knew this was a daily occurrence for many of the students that I taught and was currently teaching. Hamish talked about how we need to see our self worth not just as teachers but as humans. It is okay to feel defeated sometimes. Even if you are defeated again and again, realize you’re worth fighting for. After listening to Hamish Brewer speak, I had such a different perspective on how I treated myself and my students. After that day, I would begin to tell my students I loved them. Even the ones who didn’t say it back or the ones who made a “huh?” face. I didn’t care. I wanted them to hear it because who knows if they hear it ever. Hamish Brewer taught me to be a teacher who creates people who will be great friends, future moms, dads and citizens. Focus on making the people around you recognize their self worth. Let people know they are loved, and instill a sense of belief in all of your students, even your most challenging ones. You will be surprised at what they can accomplish with just one person believing in them. However, the most important thing that I took away from that keynote speech was that I am enough. I am enough for my students. I am enough for myself. These were things that I needed to hear at that moment. And, yes, I have still struggled since then. It would be silly to say that a speech cured all of my problems. However, the words that were spoken that day still continue to inspire me on my toughest days. As a teacher, I find it very important to build relationships with my students. I want to take the time to get to know them and that definitely helps with building the trust that is desperately needed in a learning environment.

After Hamish Brewer’s speech, I was able to talk to him for a couple of minutes. I thanked him for his words that day and informed him that I know I wasn’t the only one that needed to hear them, but I am glad I did and will walk out of the auditorium with a new perspective on not just education, but self worth.